To whom it may concern,
I have always considered myself a Coke person. My university has an exclusive contract with the Coca Cola corporation, and, let’s face it, Coke products are far more delicious than Pepsi products. Gatorade? No thanks, I’ll replenish my electrolytes with Powerade, please. And who on earth drinks Ocean Spray anymore?
When I first learned that “every Pepsi refreshes the world,” words could not describe how excited I was. I immediately ran out of the house and choked down sixteen Pepsis, and it was then immediately my drink of choice. Diet, regular, Mountain Dew, Sierra Mist. I drank them all. I felt society improving with every swig. I even started to think they might taste better than Coke products. They tasted like victory against oppression.
I averaged thirty-five Pepsis a day. I stopped sleeping. I would pass out on the toilet for a few minutes each day and wake up on the floor in a puddle of my own urine and vomit. I had never felt better about myself. Things were going to be so refreshed, and I was going to play a large part in that. It made me happy. I would cry electrolyte-infused tears of joy when I had the presence of mind to think about it.
This phase of my life has gone on now for nearly three months, but I am beginning to become suspicious. People are still being put to death in third-world countries. Sweatshops are still paying nominal wages to their workers. China is still communist. Kim Jong-il is still in power. Gay marriage is still illegal.
When will the world be refreshed? I look out my window every morning, hoping to find myself in a bright new future, but I still sense the anguish of a world dominated by evil, and that isn’t refreshing at all.
Yours optimistically,
Michael
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