DeBeers, "A diamond is forever."

To whom it may concern,

When I first heard one of your commercials say that “a diamond is forever,” I was immediately skeptical. As a child, I dedicated much of my time to destroying things, whether they be LEGO towns my brother created, snowmen my brother built, or dating relationships my brother entered. You may ask my brother, who has grown up to have an unhealthy fear of both women and me. He also has a recurring dream in which I sneak into his room at night and dump a large bucket of spiders and worms on his head, but that is another story entirely.

I digress. I simply wanted to make it clear that I know a thing or two when it comes to showing that nothing is forever, whether it be my brother’s sanity or his interest in women. Anyway, I purchased three diamonds from a DeBeers store, hoping to prove that your slogan is wrong, and that your corporation is built upon a lie, much like my brother believes many of his relationships are/were.

I set myself to the task with gusto. I began by placing one of the diamonds on a table and hammering it, but my hammer soon broke. So I took a propane torch and placed the diamond in the flame for two whole hours, but all that came of that was making the diamond black and making my eyes hurt from watching. So, I took a rather heavy sledgehammer and smashed the dickens out of the fucking thing. After wailing on it for about an hour, I found to my unbridled joy that the diamond was utterly annihilated, with only scattered dust left. This I swept into my hand and, after grimacing at it intently for several minutes, in one burst of breath I blew it across the room in a shower of sparkling, obliterated decadence.

I like to think of my experiment as scientifically rigorous, and I was fully invested in destroying the other two diamonds in spectacular fashion, but I soon realized that I had misplaced them, or they had been stolen. I was furious, but after taking a sledgehammer to nearly all of the walls in my apartment, I realized something important. In some sense, my work had been done for me. ‘Foreverness’ cannot simply be defined by whether something can be rent apart into its base elements. Life is not forever, not because our bodies decay, but because, after our spirits leave our bodies, they are gone forever. Something can be gone forever even if it is not destroyed. But if you disagree, I still blasted the bejesus out of that one gem. Do you still think that your diamonds are forever, DeBeers? Do you?

Cordially,
Michael

Pepsi, "Every Pepsi refreshes the world."

To whom it may concern,

I have always considered myself a Coke person. My university has an exclusive contract with the Coca Cola corporation, and, let’s face it, Coke products are far more delicious than Pepsi products. Gatorade? No thanks, I’ll replenish my electrolytes with Powerade, please. And who on earth drinks Ocean Spray anymore?

When I first learned that “every Pepsi refreshes the world,” words could not describe how excited I was. I immediately ran out of the house and choked down sixteen Pepsis, and it was then immediately my drink of choice. Diet, regular, Mountain Dew, Sierra Mist. I drank them all. I felt society improving with every swig. I even started to think they might taste better than Coke products. They tasted like victory against oppression.

I averaged thirty-five Pepsis a day. I stopped sleeping. I would pass out on the toilet for a few minutes each day and wake up on the floor in a puddle of my own urine and vomit. I had never felt better about myself. Things were going to be so refreshed, and I was going to play a large part in that. It made me happy. I would cry electrolyte-infused tears of joy when I had the presence of mind to think about it.

This phase of my life has gone on now for nearly three months, but I am beginning to become suspicious. People are still being put to death in third-world countries. Sweatshops are still paying nominal wages to their workers. China is still communist. Kim Jong-il is still in power. Gay marriage is still illegal.

When will the world be refreshed? I look out my window every morning, hoping to find myself in a bright new future, but I still sense the anguish of a world dominated by evil, and that isn’t refreshing at all.

Yours optimistically,

Michael

M&M, "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand."

To whom it may concern,

I recently purchased a bag of M&Ms from a vending machine at my university’s library. However, because of a bout of overzealousness, I poured the entire package into my hands, confident that the tasty chocolate morsels would quickly be consumed. Unfortunately, at the time I was not very hungry, and found that I was unable to finish the whole bag. Rather than waste the perfectly good pieces of candy, I decided that I would not be remiss in saving them for later, despite having no package in which to keep them.

I had grown up believing firmly that M&Ms “melt in your mouth, not in our hand,” as the slogan goes, and was sorely disappointed to learn that this is not the case. It was a particularly cold day, and to avoid the cold I placed my hands (each containing a handful of your products) in my jacket and continued on my way, confident that I would be able to consume the candies later. However, after the twenty-five minute walk from the library to my apartment, I found myself hungry again, so I pulled my hands out of my pockets only to find a goopy mess of chocolate and colored dye. Furthermore, the pockets of my coat had turned an unpleasant brown color.

I consider myself a man of principle, and I have no desire for you to reimburse me for my damaged coat ($39.99) or send me a year’s supply of M&Ms (my address, incidentally, is 353 E 13th Ave, Columbus OH, 43201) or the like. I also understand that such a slogan has since largely disappeared from your records. Still, to be safe, I believe that you should air a series of commercials that point out that your candies may melt in either the hand or the mouth, given the right conditions.

Thank you for your time,

Michael

*THE CORPORATION'S RESPONSE IS IN THE COMMENTS